Used
by Drop The Bass 97
Summary: She was a drug and there was no way of me waning off of it. I was stuck and I couldn't tell if the lies were true or if the truths were lies. WARNING SELF HARM, SEXUAL ABUSE, DRUG ABUSE, AND LEMONS later into the story. BELLICE!
1. Chapter 1

**Whoa Haven't wrote in awhile. Well here's my new story my other story surf will get a new chapter later this week I just need to get this story off my chest. It is based off of real life, I hope you enjoy!**

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><p>The pastor spoke as if all the answers in the words were at reach for him, as if he could ask God anything and he'll just place the answers over his head. Phil was his name and he was this dreary town's local pastor. He often prayed for my family hoping that my younger brother Jasper would be cured of his need to destroy and be given the urge to give to the community. Phil could pray, but we all knew that not even God's miracle could save him; one would have to sell his or her soul to the devil. No one but I would acknowledge this everyone else would continue to live their lives in denial and with open doors pray while behind doors… they sin.<p>

I haven't been to church lately. Mother has been busy and I never liked going to church to hear about how I'm going to hell and if I don't do this or that I'm damned. I'm a good person; at least I believe I am. I may not pray and act like you're typical Christian, but I help out the needy and I do the unusual. I do the things that Christians wouldn't do. I take care of the people who need it, who deserve it, who don't judge others and try to better themselves… even then, if they don't do these things, I'll do it anyways because that's what a true Christian would do. At least that's what they're supposed to do.

Phil, ended service and the band started to play some song about how Jesus saves and I quickly exited the chapel. I already knew my mother, Esme, would take some time to discuss "our Lord and savior" with her friends.

As my mother was talking I saw her, Isabella Swan, but she prefers Bella, I however; call her Izzy. The breath from my lungs left me and I couldn't speak, but somehow I managed to find a chair and sit in it. I hadn't seen her for a year and I missed her. We lost each other's number and even though it's a small town and there was only one high school; it just so happened that she was homeschooled. Her brown long hair up in her usual ponytail and her blue eyes surrounded by eyeliner stared intensely into mine. She smiles and I then believe that there is a God, at least one who truly wishes for me to find the treasures of the Earth. Well, at least my own personal treasures that lie within her and her smile.

I feel some one's arms wrap around my shoulders. The scent of something crisp and clean hits my nose and I almost moan. It's her and my heart could tell as well since it was beating rapidly.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in a while! How have you been? Oh, I have a girlfriend now by the way… remind me… are you one of my straight friends or…" She rushes out. I chuckle and give her one of my infamous smiles.

"Good and I'm glad you found someone," lie, "Um… I'm undecided" another lie, "I hope that you two have a long healthy relationship." Lies, lies, lies and more lies. Why would I lie to her? I'm not glad I'm miserable at the fact that she found someone that isn't me. I also know that I love women and I hope that the bitch she's with fucks it all up. I hate that it took me whole 10 minutes to become a jealous hoe. I'm disgusted with myself.

"Oh right, duh, I knew that you weren't decided. So are you going to the Christmas Caroling outing with the church?" She asked as she sat next to me.

"Well now I am," I chuckled and she laughed with me, "What time is it?"

"6 O' clock. I hope to see you there!" She winks at me before skipping off to go jump on her best friends back, Edward.

My mother finally found her way to me and I brought up the Christmas Caroling and she only said, "Oh, that's a great way to dedicate your time to Lord honey.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey you guys I know the first chapter was rough and short, but I was just testing waters. They will be longer and more grammatically correct. I do hope that you guys will review I need constructive criticism so that I may improve my writing skills. I wish to be an author so I really need this. Enjoy!**

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><p>I sat in the car quietly as my parents discussed the sermon. My brother and I kept ramming our shoulders together and giggling quietly.<p>

"So Jasper, are you going Christmas caroling with Alice?" My mother asked. Louis gave everyone in the car a queer look and then looked at me and mouthed 'should I?' I shook my head. I wanted Bella to myself and he'll distract me.

"Nah, I'm going to my mom's" Jasper said enthusiastically. Jasper wasn't my full brother, he was my half-brother. My father, Carlisle, was a huge player when he was in college. Jasper periodically stayed with us. Most of the time Esme and him would start arguing and that would result in him going to live with his mother again. I always miss him while he's gone, but I deal with it.

My mother nodded quietly and turned up the volume to the Christian radio station. As she continued to drive my thoughts began to drift.

Why was she so flirty? I'm usually that way and she smiled a lot. I want to make her smile like that, but I know I won't, I can wish and hope, but it'll do no good. I love her. I need her. She is life, love, nourishment, shelter, and… and air. She is the reason why I breathe. Her smile is my sunlight. Oh why must I be in love with an angel? I could write million sonnets for how she makes me feel and it still wouldn't describe a fraction of it. She's love. She's life. She's not mine.

I entered my bedroom and flopped down on my futon couch. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "Dear God," I paused opened my eyes and looked towards my ceiling. "Fuck that," I grabbed my guitar and grabbed my lighter that was hidden under my couch. I lit candles in my room, closed the curtains, and then shut off the lights.

_My lover's got humour  
>She's the giggle at a funeral<br>Knows everybody's disapproval  
>I should've worshiped her sooner<br>If the heavens ever did speak  
>She's the last true mouthpiece<br>Every Sunday's getting more bleak_

_A fresh poison each week  
>'We were born sick,' you heard them say it<br>My Church offers no absolutes.  
>She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'<br>The only heaven I'll be sent to  
>Is when I'm alone with you—<br>I was born sick,  
>But I love it<br>Command me to be well  
>Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.<em>

Take me to church  
>I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies<br>I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
>Offer me that deathless death<br>Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times  
>My lover's the sunlight<p>

–

"Oh Alice your voice is so beautiful!" my mother shouted in glee. My eye twitched, I put my guitar back against the wall and opened the curtains. I then blew out the candle and grabbed my coat.

"I'm going for a walk since I can't sing alone." I grumbled. I stomped out into the bitter cold and began heading west. I needed to think.

I wonder if Bella's girlfriend is coming. I'd prefer if she didn't. It would make this trip much more enjoyable, it would give me time to realize the thought of Us, Bella and I, would never happen and that I should just get over it. She and I were never a possibility in the first place. She was God's messenger telling me that if I clean up my act and be a good moral Christian then, only then, would I get my prize.

I can't though. The taste of the sweet sharp tongue of a woman is the only thing that can cure my hunger for them. The urge to dominate and control; the urge to make them moan and scream my name is too great. Maybe I am sick. Mom always says that gays are sick, and so far she hasn't been wrong. Maybe I need a therapist. Yeah, possibly. I guess I'm damned.

I turned towards the east and began my journey back home. My phone began to ring, I answered with a soft hello.

"Alice!" It was Bella.

"Hey Izzy, How'd you get my number?" Nervous laugh.

"Your brother gave it to me. So, are you coming to this Christmas carol tonight?"

"Yeah I am, Jasper isn't going though," I say while smirking and looking both ways before I ran across the street.

"So, I'm not waiting to see Jasper, I wanna see you." She giggled. It was so cute.

"Awe you giggled," I chuckled.

"Shut up! You do that you know?" she whispered almost seductively.

"I do?" I gulped, "Well at least I'm good for something," I chuckled nervously. "So who is this mystery girl?" Damn my curiousity.

"Her name is Leah, she lives on the reservation. Who do you like?" she asks and I can definitely picture her cocking her to the side in an adorable fashion.

"I prefer not to share, maybe tonight though?" I hesitantly ask. She giggled through the phone.

"Ok, well I got to go. I'll see you in 30 minutes?" 30 minutes? I checked my watch and noticed that I indeed only had 30 minutes.

"Ah, shit! Izzy if I'm not there stall them!" I abruptly hung up the phone and put it in my pocket. I began to sprint the last 4 blocks to my house. I could see my breath rapidly coming out in puffs of white smoke. I could see my house in range so I pushed myself harder. My mom was just now coming out the house. I reached the side of the van and I jumped in. My mom gave me a queer look, but continued getting into the van and started it up.

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><p><strong>HEY HEY HEY! Alright that song was Take Me to Church by Hozier. Remember Review!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok sorry this took so long, but I feel like if I rush my writing it becomes really shitty and my English teacher agrees so yeah. I hope you enjoy. Read a review.**

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><p>My mother pulled up to the church and gave me a small smile.<p>

"Make sure to sing loud so that they can hear how pretty your voice is honey," My mother said. I shook my head and gave her a quick hug before jumping out of the car. I turned around and waved and then ran into the church. I was immediately greeted with a chorus of hellos and suffocated with hugs. I didn't really care about them though; I was looking for my savior.

"Alice I haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?" My pastor asked with a huge smile on her face. I gave her one of my infamous grins.

"I just got really busy with family affairs; I'm sorry I should've at least e-mailed you and explained my absence." She shook her head and gave me a motherly hug before walking over to another older women and started talking to her. I snuck out of the commons to the kid's room. There I found other teens, but no—

"There you are!" I turned and there she was. She jumped into my arms and I caught her. Her scent overrode my senses and all I could do is stand there and try to make sure my knees didn't collapse. All I felt was warmth and at that moment I would love to die in her arms.

"I told you I would be here, didn't I?" I chuckled into her hair. Next thing I know though, she was crying and my heart broke. What would make her cry? Who would dare upset an angel? How could someone hurt someone as beautiful and lovely as the beautiful Swan before me? I pulled her to one of the tables away from everyone. "What's wrong Izzy? Tell me and I swear I'll kick their ass for you." I was pissed and there was no God or man able to stop me from vanquishing the beast that would dare hurt her.

"Leah broke up with me," She sniffled. I internally smiled, she's single and here's my chance to make her see me as something more. I hugged her close and rubbed her back.

"Oh Izzy, I'm so sorry that she hurt you," truth, "I'm sorry it didn't work out," lie, "I will do anything to help," truth, well somewhat the truth.

"No its ok she got mad a lot and she cheated." She cheated on her? What moron would cheat on her? I guess she was dating a fool.

"She doesn't deserve you," I said darkly and I hugged her tighter. I didn't want to flip out in front of everyone. I pulled away and I gave her a huge smile, hoping to dampen any negative emotions, "Hey, you'll never have to worry about me ever hurting you like that Izzy, promise!" We both giggled and got up from our table. We walked out into the commons and more people happened to show up.

"Hey Bella!" some girl with Blackish brown hair yelled as she gave her a hug. She turned towards me and gave me a quizzical look and checked me out quickly, "Who's this?"

"This is Alice, Alice this is Jessica Stanley." Said Izzy and I shook Jessica's hand. I know her, she's really hated at school and her boyfriend's a dick.

"Nice to meet," I say with a fake smile plastered on my face.

"Likewise," She said slowly. "Rosalie is going to be here tonight." Great my brother's pot buddy goes here now.

"Oh, this should be fun then!" Izzy said, "We all can ride in the same car as Sue!" I tugged on Izzy's jacket sleeve and gave her a look that said 'Just who the fuck is that'. She laughed and whispered in my ear, "You'll see baby." I almost died hearing the pet name. Maybe there is a God. "I call sitting next to Ally!" she shouted. Yep I'm in heaven and I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

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><p>Jessica, Rosalie, Izzy and I ended up riding with Charlie, Izzy's father. I'm not sure if he's too keen on me riding with them considering all I wear is male t-shirts and jeans and I have my short hair. I kind of scream dyke. He smiles anyways when I say 'hello'. We all race to the minivan. Rosalie sits in the front seat and Jessica, Izzy, and I sit in the back seat. Izzy sat in the middle knowing that I don't like being near people I'm not well acquainted with yet.<p>

"You kids buckle up back there," Charlie says with a stern look. We all buckle up and I give him my infamous grin and say, "All buckled up Mr. Swan!" He smiled at me and nodded.

The van was started and Charlie put on some Christian music. I almost cringed and just allowed my hair to go behind Izzy's head rest. Izzy leaned her head on my shoulder and my body instantly relaxed. Nothing could be more perfect except for the intruders of our moment could be gone for all I care.

"So, What have you been doing lately Ally? Why didn't you come and visit?" Izzy asked quietly. I looked into her eyes and sighed.

"I got busy with school and drama. You see, I've been dealing with Jasper and his anger issues and my father, well you know how my father can get when he's drunk. I missed you Izzy," I sighed again and closed my eyes shut. She then snuggled into me further. Jessica looked at us and cleared her throat. The bitch is now on my shit list. I never get this and I want it. I want her and she's preventing me from enjoying the moment I have with an angel.

"So Ally—" I cut Jessica off.

"My names Alice, I'm sorry, but I am very picky on who gets to call me by my nicknames. I just don't know you that well yet," lie, "I'm sorry if I came of rude, but I don't want to flip out on you because I never established that rule," lie, "I'll tell you when it's good," another lie. I don't know why I lied so much, but it'll have to do for now.

"Ok that's reasonable, I'm sorry," She said while smiling. I allowed my head to gently lay on top of Izzy's.

"Ally you shouldn't be so hostile all the time it's not very attractive to do so," Izzy said. I picked up my head and glared at her slightly. Is she scolding me? If she was then it hurt, really badly.

"Well good thing I'm not hoping you're finding me attractive," I shot back.

"Oh really?" She questioned.

"Yeah, really."

"I think you're lying."

"Well sucks to your asthma because I'm not."

"Really? Well then I guess I'm just fucked." She said nonchalantly.

"Are you girls fighting?" Charlie yelled.

"No Mr. Swan," I gave a laugh and allowed it to shake my entire body, "It's just Izzy is mad I won't let her win a debate again." Charlie laughed too and shook his head in disbelief.

"You girls should be nicer," He said and then went back to discussing something with Rosalie. Izzy glared at me and I just removed my arm from behind her head and grabbed her hand and laced our fingers. I gave her a look that said, 'I'm sorry please forgive me' and then she gave my hand a squeeze letting me know that I'm forgiven.

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><p><strong>Read and review you guys and I promise that I'll be motivated to write more. Let me know what I"m doing wrong and right. I don't care if you hate it and you wish I die just let me know.<strong>

**Later XOXO**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey sorry for the late post, but I'm hella busy. So review this story and maybe I'll feel obligated enough to write. **

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><p>"<em>Silent night, Holy night<br>All is calm, all is bright  
>Round yon virgin, mother and child<br>Holy infant, tender and mild  
>Sleep in heavenly peace,<br>Sleep in heavenly peace._

_Silent night, Holy night  
>Son of God, love's pure light<br>Radiant beams from thy holy face  
>With the dawn of redeeming grace,<br>Jesus, Lord at thy birth  
>Jesus, Lord at thy birth.<em>

_Silent night, Holy night  
>Shepherds quake, at the sight<br>Glories stream from heaven above  
>Heavenly, hosts sing Hallelujah.<br>Christ the Savior is born,  
>Christ the Savior is born."<em>

We all sang in holy harmony. The elderly were thoroughly pleased and offered us a hand out the door. I didn't need it, but I politely accepted their attempts in being polite. Rosalie, Charlie, Jessica, Izzy, and I rushed to the van and sat in our unofficial assigned seats. The atmosphere changed from a playful tone into a much more intimate one. Izzy got us into our previous position, but this time she was holding Jessica's hand as well and would switch leaning her head on to each side. This was unacceptable.

I glared at their intertwined hands. I then realized why the hell am I jealous? She wasn't mine and I had no right to be jealous. I was the best friend, the one who was supposed to sit back and let her make her mistakes and then comfort her in the end. This stupid heart was blocking me from thinking coherently. I needed to separate myself from her, even just a little, so that I can be fair.

I broke our hands from their embrace and instantly gripped my knee and stared straight ahead. From my peripheral vision I saw her staring at me quizzically. I pretended as if I didn't notice. She tapped my shoulder and I looked at her with mocked surprise.

"yes?" I asked.

"What's wrong?" Izzy asked.

"Nothing, why would there be something wrong?"

"I think she's jealous," mumbled Jessica. I raised my eyebrow at her and Charlie must have noticed because he yelled,

"Jessica I don't know what you said, but please take it back. Alice looks like she's struggling on keeping her cap on straight". Jessica nodded and ignored Izzy and I. Izzy attempted to lean against me again and I sighed. She glared at me and pouted, I don't know why, but I found it cute. I gave an over dramatic sigh and gave her a hug. I felt her smile against my shoulders, but it wasn't long until she moved her head to the crook of my neck and kissed it.

The sensation of electricity shook through me and my breath caught in my throat. Damn this girl was going to be the death of me. It would be an acceptable death.

"I'm sorry Ally," Izzy said as she snuggled against me. Everything went back to before and Izzy was whispering stories in my ear and holding my hand. It was simple; it was bliss; it should've lasted an eternity, but that would be me being spoiled by God. He needs his angel.

"Are you getting tired back there Bella?" Charlie asked. She nodded and gave out a cute yawn. I bent my head down to her ear and whispered, "Awe isn't that cute". She shot up with blood stained cheeks and hit my arm. I grabbed my arm and chuckled.

"Well now I'm fully alert because Alice wants to be mean!" Izzy growled.

"Awe what no Ally? I'm just Alice now?" I asked as I raised my eyebrow. She laid back down on me and mumbled, "Why do you hate me?" and then buried her face into my shoulder.

I sat there dumbfounded and filled with disbelief. She was kidding me right? There was no way she honestly thought that I hated her. I felt dirty and disappointed in myself. I hurt the girl I love… again.

"Well we're at the next house so out we go!" Charlie shouted. Charlie and Rosalie were the first ones out.

"Well go Jessica! We have people who are waiting on us!" I shouted angrily. She rushed out of the van and Izzy gave me a queer look. I nodded for her to get out as well. "Tell your dad I'm not going in for this one. I'm gonna call and check in with my parents" I said quietly. She looked at me quizzically and then went outside the van and talked to her dad and then came back into the van.

"I told him you were having a mental breakdown," Izzy said quietly.

"I wanted to be alone," I said just as quiet.

"What's wrong my dear Ally-cat?" she whispered in my ear and it gave me shivers down my spine.

"I can't explain it's complicated and wrong. I shouldn't have come and I shouldn't even acknowledge this damned church! I just can't deal with the silence; it's too deadly and I can't control it. My thoughts become more coherent instead of being jumbled and feelings become more pronounced. It's hell Bella… it's hell," tears began to pour down my cheeks. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't control simple jealousy and I let myself fall apart. Why does this feeling take ahold of my fragile heart and slowly devour it? Shouldn't love be wonderful and fulfilling? "Not for a homosexual though," I mumbled, "God fucking hates me and I already knew that, but I hope and pray that maybe I'll be straight so then I don't have to feel like this disaster. The confusion, the hurt, the incognito of it all is taking a fee on my sanity. I shouldn't be here; I shouldn't have came; I shouldn't be alive." I felt a sharp pain arouse from my right cheek. I turned to Izzy, no Bella, and saw that she was crying as well.

"What the hell are you talking about?" She screamed. I turned my head away from her and shrugged. She grabbed my chin and jerked my head and forced my gaze to upon her sweet brown eyes. "Answer me God damn it!"

"I'm saying that I shouldn't be alive. All this time I've justifying my gayness and coming up what I've done right and wrong so that I would better about myself, but let me face it… my life has no purpose! I sin and sin and sin and sin and sin again and again! My mother is right, Gays are going to hell and I'm their fucking leader," another sharp pain to my right cheek.

"Don't ever say that about yourself, OK? You're wonderful and my best friend. I just got you back and I can't take any of this bullshit you're spouting. You're one of the most generous and kind person I have ever met and I'm glad that I can say that you're my best friend." She gripped my collar and pulled me in violently to kiss me.

Is this heaven? Or a fault in the crack of reality? The electricity that ran through me was unbearable. My hand acted on its own and caressed the side of her face and neck. The kiss became sweeter over time and I was the one to pull back. This was wrong. She had a lover and I couldn't jeopardize her happiness.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"You have a girlfriend and I can't jeopardize your happiness for my own. I refuse to be so selfish." I said somberly. She looked me in my eyes and said, "Just for tonight, please. You're not the only one who needs this." She kissed me again and I kissed back. We both pulled away and went into an embrace. We were both crying and it seemed like a healing process. Little did I know, it was the beginning of a parasitic situation that would end in death.

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><p><strong>Remember Review my friends!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey sorry for the wait and shortness of all my chapters, but I'm pretty busy with school. So after work tonight I might have the 6th chapter up for reconciliation. **

**And Come on guys Read and Review... for me?**

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><p>"So how did you guys like Christmas caroling?" The pastor asked. Random answers were heard from all over the room. I was stuck between Jessica and Rosalie; Izzy sat on the other side of Rosalie and they were quietly discussing something. Jessica kept looking at me as if she were staring at a puzzle she's trying to put together. It bothered me.<p>

Izzy would smile at me now and then, but I couldn't bring myself to smile when she was too far away. The human divider was an unneeded nuisance and I was tempted to throw it away, but not in church. That's sin and I must not sin as much as I already do in church. I'll go to hell and have to deal with not only my inner demons, but my outer ones as well.

"Alright everyone, let's go eat in the commons," the pastor shouted. Everyone cheered and dashed out. Except for me, I lingered, I waited, and I needed to see if she would do the same. Jessica and Rosalie dashed past me and claim they would get a table for us. The pastor had left the sanctuary as well. Perfect.

"Alright, what's wrong with you Ally?" Izzy asked as she raised her eye brow and crossed her arms.

"Nothing, " I said while raising my own eyebrow.

"Oh cut the shit," She growled.

"I'm serious I'm fine! I've never been better actually," I said with a shit eating grin. She looked at me skeptically and came closer.

"And why is that?" She asked while squinting her eyes.

"As if you don't already know princess," I said while I took a step closer. She smiled as well, but ducked her head. Perfect acting.

The stage is clear and the lights are on us. Line after line brilliantly delivered with passion. Her eyes held a devious twinkle in them. I knew what was to happen next. We we're to commit the ultimate crime. Homosexual adultery in a church.

We both came in closer and our breath soon mingled and she whimpered only slightly; signaling she was anticipating this almost as much as I was. I grabbed the back of her head and smashed our lips together in holy matrimony. This was heaven and I can't believe I've visited there twice in a day.

Everything was going well until I whispered the fatal blow to our perfect moment, "I love you". She pulled away almost like she was burned. Her eyes were wide open and I couldn't look at her and wait for rejection. I ran.


End file.
